Losing hope
by Oo Faith oO
Summary: "If even someone as caring and sweet as Catherine thinks I should be caged maybe that's really the right thing to do. I've hurt people and that hunts me every night, but her knowing what I've done just about kills me. Seeing that look in her eyes just breaks me." These are Vincent's thoughts as he decides he has to give himself up, a bit depressing I warn you. Enjoy!


Author's note: I wrote this while listening to "Nitesky" by Robot Koch and John LaMonica, so if you want the whole experience I think this song really sets the mood.

Here's the link to youtube page: watch?v=D-aJfcYzct8

Enjoy. :)

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Vincent's pov

I'm such an idiot.

As I drive home from the baseball field my head is clouded, I feel numb. How could I ever think she could actually, well not love me, but at least care about me. Was it all in my head then? Her hand on my face, the acceptance I read in her eyes as she touched me, her kind smile. Have I been imagining all this?

The answer is obviously yes. She's right though, she's a cop. It's her job to put dangerous people like me behind bars. I've killed people, in her universe that puts me square in the bad guys team. And she's right. I'm an abomination. I guess I should be grateful that she didn't give me up immediately, that at least she had doubts. It's all I could hope for. I can't make myself to be angry with her, when deep down I completely agree with her, I understand her point of view entirely. I'm not human, I should be restrained.

Though I know all of this, I made a fool of myself into believing someone like her could care for me.

I stop at a red light and a couple crosses the street holding hands. Dear universe, would you give me a break? Why kick a man when he's already down? I watch that couple as they smile to each other, they look so happy, normal, human. Something I'll never be again.

If even someone as caring and sweet as Catherine thinks I should be caged maybe that's really the right thing to do. I've hurt people and that hunts me every night, but her knowing what I've done just about kills me. Seeing that look in her eyes just breaks me.

A million images of her flicker in front of my eyes, tears sting at my eyes but I will them away. Now I'm just angry at myself, why did I let her in? Whey did I let myself care so much about someone? Someone who's so off-limits for me?

Worst of all she's admitted of being scared of me. Can I blame her though? I'm a creature, not a person. I remember her hands on my face when I lost control and she calmed me back to normal. Was she terrified then? I don't remember her being scared. But I was out of it, I probably didn't notice.

It was a dream, a nice break from the empty reality of my life. Too bad it had to come crashing down this hard on me. If someone like her can't trust me, can't see what little humanity I have left I really have no business staying around, her or J.T.. What am I doing besides ruining their lives? J.T. has put his life on hold for me, I can't let the same thing happen to Catherine. If something were to happen to them because of me, I won't have it. Ever. The mere idea they could become collateral damage in Muirfield's quest for me is unbearable. They're all I've got, I can't let any harm come to them.

Then clarity hits me. I have to go back. If I give myself up she and J.T. will get their lives back. Though Muirfield could still harm them someway... I stare at my hands clutching the stirring wheel and my veins sticking out. There, I'll draw some of my blood so they'll have proof I existed and that'll be all the leverage they'll need should Muirfield come after them.

Now I need a way to contact them, Catherine said they gave her a card. I turn left and I head towards her building.

I can't believe this is the last time I'll ever come here. All the other times I was impatient to see her, my heart was beating a little faster then normal. Now I just feel a hole in my chest and all my body aches. It's something too dull to call pain but too strong to be ignored. I ran both hands through my hair and try to breathe this feeling away.

I park under her window and climb the fire escape. I quickly listen to see if someone's home. There's complete quiet. I slide easily into her bedroom. The strength of her scent almost makes me crumble to the floor, I stare for the longest time at the pictures on her desk. She looks so carefree yet her eyes carry a shadow of sadness I know perfectly. The thought that I'll never look into her eyes again threatens my resolve, but then I remember the way she looked at me tonight.

No, I need to leave her be. She deserves way better than a creature with crazy feelings for her.

I force my mind blank and head toward the kitchen bar where I last saw the card. I grab it and make my way out not looking back.

I already feel like I'm behind bars as I reach the warehouse. Really, I was in prison already. At least if I give myself up I won't hurt anyone anymore.

I draw my blood and scribble a message for both Catherine and J.T.. there's so much I want to say to both of them, but I know that if I stop now I'll never be able to go through with this. I really don't want to do this, but it's better this way. For all three of us. I destroy my phone and take a new one.

I look around and say goodbye to all the hopes I ever had about a normal life.

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So, this is my version of what is going on in our Vincent's head as he decides he has to give himself up. I know it's kind of depressing but I hope you'll like it anyway. I really felt for him when Catherine didn't deny being afraid of him. I literally scream at her through my computer screen. I wanted to hug him so badly!

All your reviews just make my day, whenever I read them I can't help but smile like an idiot. You make me so happy! :) So, don't forget to comment/review, it really helps knowing that you enjoy my writing, you guys inspire me!


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